Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
